My friend Ricky had just as tough an upbringing as me. His father did exactly what my stepfather did, he took every opportunity to denigrate his son's self-esteem – his because he was an alcoholic, mine because he resented the fact that I wasn’t his biological kid (like the other kids in our family). But I didn’t know that, so I internalized his disapproval and assumed there must be something wrong with me.
By my mid-teens, I realized that his endless criticism was usually baseless, so his words and actions ceased to have any impact. I became indifferent to him and he became a persona non grata to me.
I transferred that attitude to others who behaved as he did. Those who appreciated me couldn’t have a better friend, but those who didn’t became persona non grata. As a Harley rider once said: "I don’t need no bike that don’t need me!”
Some have called that a defense mechanism and they are correct. It's a defense mechanism that has worked for decades. Instead of brooding over whether people like me or not, becoming emotionally upset, or changing my behavior to suit them, I just blunder through life doing the best I can. Others can like it or lump it. Rather than behaving like someone I’m not, I prefer to suffer the consequences of being true to myself.
Ricky didn’t do that. He spent his youth trying to please a father who was impossible to please. Then he transferred that behavior to others whom he saw as authority figures (teachers, bosses) which gave them far too much power over him.
He once revealed that he'd always felt he was behaving as if he was someone else. He was full of self-loathing for not having the courage to be genuine. He'd become a persona non grata to himself.
Ricky got hooked on drugs in high school, started dealing, went to jail, and when he got out, terminally overdosed at the age of 23. That gobsmacked me, so when I graduated, I decided to start my psychological counseling career in a correctional facility.
I soon discovered that the prisons are full of Rickys – self-loathing people who overcompensate with bravado. They are not psychopathic personalities except when they are overwhelmed with self-contempt – which stimulates felonious behavior (justified with an assortment of contrived reasons). They often blame others or society at large for their behavior.
Surprisingly, if it’s revealed to them that the path they're on is counterproductive, they feel threatened. They are so attached to their negative self-image that they prefer to stay the course rather than step unto a path less travelled.
The problem is that the path they are on is circular: their self-image inspires their behavior which reinforces their self-image, which creates more of the same behavior, which results in more incarceration. Over time, this path usually spirals downward towards more serious crimes.
So how do they get off this tunneling merry-go-round?
It starts with admitting that they've screwed up (to use their vernacular) and that much of their life has been a series of screw-ups. They find that thought very disturbing.
But if we look around, I tell them, we find others who have made much worse mistakes which got them into much more serious predicaments. So instead of beating ourselves up for our mistakes, we could pat ourselves on the back for avoiding worse ones.
The second step is recognizing that screwing up is part of the human condition. We’re all screwed-up in one way or another. If you read the biographies of famous people lauded for accomplishing great things, you’ll discover that virtually every one of them had a dark side which almost destroyed them. But they summoned the courage to rise above it. So must you.
Plato considered courage to be the greatest virtue because without it, we are not in control of our lives – we're just riding the merry-go-round. If we dig up the courage to step off, we must trod an unfamiliar path which may be threatening and full of pitfalls. It’s not for the weak of heart.
But we don’t get off the merry-go-round, we sink into mankind’s default position – depression. That in turn is followed by more self-destructive behavior, or an early demise from disease (extended periods of 'dis-ease’ compromises the body’s immune system).
Lastly one needs to secure assistance to stay the path – from support groups, a counseling professional, an enlightened, empathetic friend, or books and videos on the subject.
By my mid-teens, I realized that his endless criticism was usually baseless, so his words and actions ceased to have any impact. I became indifferent to him and he became a persona non grata to me.
I transferred that attitude to others who behaved as he did. Those who appreciated me couldn’t have a better friend, but those who didn’t became persona non grata. As a Harley rider once said: "I don’t need no bike that don’t need me!”
Some have called that a defense mechanism and they are correct. It's a defense mechanism that has worked for decades. Instead of brooding over whether people like me or not, becoming emotionally upset, or changing my behavior to suit them, I just blunder through life doing the best I can. Others can like it or lump it. Rather than behaving like someone I’m not, I prefer to suffer the consequences of being true to myself.
Ricky didn’t do that. He spent his youth trying to please a father who was impossible to please. Then he transferred that behavior to others whom he saw as authority figures (teachers, bosses) which gave them far too much power over him.
He once revealed that he'd always felt he was behaving as if he was someone else. He was full of self-loathing for not having the courage to be genuine. He'd become a persona non grata to himself.
Ricky got hooked on drugs in high school, started dealing, went to jail, and when he got out, terminally overdosed at the age of 23. That gobsmacked me, so when I graduated, I decided to start my psychological counseling career in a correctional facility.
I soon discovered that the prisons are full of Rickys – self-loathing people who overcompensate with bravado. They are not psychopathic personalities except when they are overwhelmed with self-contempt – which stimulates felonious behavior (justified with an assortment of contrived reasons). They often blame others or society at large for their behavior.
Surprisingly, if it’s revealed to them that the path they're on is counterproductive, they feel threatened. They are so attached to their negative self-image that they prefer to stay the course rather than step unto a path less travelled.
The problem is that the path they are on is circular: their self-image inspires their behavior which reinforces their self-image, which creates more of the same behavior, which results in more incarceration. Over time, this path usually spirals downward towards more serious crimes.
So how do they get off this tunneling merry-go-round?
It starts with admitting that they've screwed up (to use their vernacular) and that much of their life has been a series of screw-ups. They find that thought very disturbing.
But if we look around, I tell them, we find others who have made much worse mistakes which got them into much more serious predicaments. So instead of beating ourselves up for our mistakes, we could pat ourselves on the back for avoiding worse ones.
The second step is recognizing that screwing up is part of the human condition. We’re all screwed-up in one way or another. If you read the biographies of famous people lauded for accomplishing great things, you’ll discover that virtually every one of them had a dark side which almost destroyed them. But they summoned the courage to rise above it. So must you.
Plato considered courage to be the greatest virtue because without it, we are not in control of our lives – we're just riding the merry-go-round. If we dig up the courage to step off, we must trod an unfamiliar path which may be threatening and full of pitfalls. It’s not for the weak of heart.
But we don’t get off the merry-go-round, we sink into mankind’s default position – depression. That in turn is followed by more self-destructive behavior, or an early demise from disease (extended periods of 'dis-ease’ compromises the body’s immune system).
Lastly one needs to secure assistance to stay the path – from support groups, a counseling professional, an enlightened, empathetic friend, or books and videos on the subject.
Making a change takes courage. Courtesy of Pexels.com/cottonbro studio.
It won’t happen all at once; the subconscious mind is a creature of habit and will stubbornly prioritize habitual thinking over change, even if the prefrontal cortex (conscious mind) knows the habitual thinking is counter-productive.
But with time, patience, and practice, the prefrontal cortex learns to anticipate self-destructive behavior, and shut it down with positive self-talk before it actualizes.
All they have to do is dig up the courage to start.
Header image courtesy of Pexels.com/Ron Lach.
